Fuck me like someone who closes deals. That’s a real line that I actually said once. Literal. Aloud. To my partner when he was inside me. Why? Because he had just closed a deal at work, so it felt like a good thing to say at the time. What followed was the kind of sex that I imagine inspires romance novels. But after we finished, we burst out laughing as we repeated my bold yell in different accents to each other.
Many of us find that talking dirty is hot. In fact, research has shown that those who communicate pleasure during sex are more likely to experience sexual satisfaction than those who don’t. But out of the bedroom (or the kitchen counter, or really wherever the need arises), those growled phrases seem naughty and awkward at best and dirty and demeaning at worst. So what exactly is it about erotically trending talk that turns so many people on?
Here, the experts explain why speech can be so sexy, plus seven tips on how to talk dirty without feeling like an awkward flame.
Why talking dirty can be so exciting?
Beyond being undeniably hot, dirty talk also appeals to our brains, our bodies, and changes standards of social decorum. In addition, it introduces an additional sense (hearing) to any sexual adventure, which stimulates the brain in a way that goes beyond simple touch. “Dirty talk makes the interaction a mind-body experience,” says sexologist Megan Stubbs, EdD.
“Talk dirty makes the interaction a mind and body experience.” —Megan Stubbs, EdD
There’s some pretty strong, dense neuroscience behind how and why this happens, but the SparkNotes version is that our brains are our most powerful sex organs and our most receptive erogenous zones, says Stuart Nugent, brand manager for the company. Lelo luxury sex toys. Erotic dialogue helps us vocalize our fantasies by allowing us to pretend to be someone other than ourselves, in a sense. “Sharing our desires can help strengthen intimate bonds and trust,” says Nugent. “We say dirty things that would be completely inappropriate in other social situations. If asked if you want gravy for dinner, it would be out of the ordinary to say ‘I want it harder, deeper, faster.'” Basically. , there is a level of ease involved when we feel free to express things that we have been taught to suppress.
While the language itself and the directness with which it is expressed is what makes dirty talk exciting, it can certainly make people uncomfortable. “But that discomfort is just a reflection of the fact that they lack experience saying things out loud, unfiltered, or intentionally to turn on their partner,” says LGBTQ+ expert and counselor Kryss Shane, LMSW. In other words, practice makes perfect, and the following tips can help.
Not sure how to talk dirty? Here are 7 tips to get you started
1. Keep it simple
It doesn’t have to be wildly elaborate, just introduce yourself by saying exactly what’s going on or what you want to happen. Begin sentences with phrases like “I want” or “I wish,” says Dr. Stubbs. For example, “I want to feel your lips against my neck” and “I wish I could feel your cock inside me.”
Once you’re comfortable, you can craft sentences that are more elaborate, says sexologist Jill McDevitt, PhD. She thinks, “I love seeing your boobs/ass/thighs bouncing right now” or “I like it when your dick/clit/nipples are hard like that.”
2. Flatter, but make it sexy
Flattery will take you… everywhere. Well, at least with people who enjoy being verbally complimented during sex. Confirm when something feels right or that you are interested in what is going on. (He thinks: “It feels so good when you suck on my ear” and “I like it when you touch me there.”)
Dr. Stubbs suggests asking your partner how they like to hear a description of their body. For example, do they like being told they are strong, assertive, and sexy? Or soft, juicy, soft and warm? Or, actually, any other adjective?
3. Get your inspiration from anywhere
Perfume commercials, music, movies, books, TV shows, you name it. If his narrative thread is HOT, take inspiration from him. For example, I recently stumbled across the line: “In the rain. Squatting. in an orgy We meet again” in Rachel Kushner the flamethrowersand then I used a similar line with my partner.
A word of warning: If you’re new to the dirty talk scene, Dr. Stubbs warns against taking cues from porn (see: “Fuck Me Like a Dealer”). “If you and your partner go from silent sex to saying, ‘I want to be your cum dump,’ you could throw your partner off the scent and take them out of the moment.”
4. Read erotica out loud to your partner
Dr. McDevitt says that you can even read those extra hot scenes from your romance novels to your partner to ease the use of naughty slang. “It helps you feel more comfortable with the language, and if something feels uncomfortable, you know the feeling isn’t coming from your imagination, so it’s less of an emotional risk.”
The best female erotica of the year The volumes, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, are a great place to start. You can also try listening to Dipsea erotic narration app or any other erotic audio platform together.
5. Activate the five senses
Do you love how your partner tastes? Tell them. Do the sounds your partner makes turn you on? She whispers in her ear, “I love it when you growl for me.” Trusting every way can help provide inspiration for your dirty talk.
Dr. Stubbs also says to tell your partner where he wants to taste and smell them, and how he wants to see them can be exhilarating. For example, imagine hearing “I want to taste the inside of your thigh.” Or “I want to memorize the way you smell.” Or “I want to see how you look leaning over that chair.”
6. Ask questions
This is also a great way to incorporate consent into your dirty talk jargon, says intimacy educator Stella Harris, author of Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kinking, and Relationships. Ask things like “Do you like that?” “How does it feel?” “Do you want some more?” “Do you want me to use my mouth on you?” “Do you want me to use X, Y or Z?”
Don’t worry about sounding silly. “Not only is it okay if there’s laughter during sex, it’s great,” says Harris. “Sex should be fun. I encourage people to stop pushing the sex and dirty talk and just laugh.”
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